This, apparently, is a blog post. I wanted to write something because I haven’t really written anything since I set up this website a month ago and I suppose one blog post won’t kill me. Unless I suddenly die of…something.
As you can already tell I am no writer. I don’t particularly have an interest in it, I don’t want to end up writing. I actually got a U the first time I took my English Language GCSE. I was put in by my school a year early. It backfired. There were probably numerous reasons for me getting that U. Bad teacher, lack of resources, not enough hours. None were more prevalent than my own stupidity. I was in Year 10 and all I cared about was being funny in class and girls. You can make your own assumption as to wish of those I was more successful at. In Year 11 I retook and got a D, I HAD to get a C or above otherwise I’d be taking the same exam for the rest of my life until I passed. On results day, I was unbelievably annoyed. Annoyed because English was always going to be my downfall. I got pretty average grades all round, even in GCSE Drama I got a C – my coursework brought me down. Why? English skills weren’t great. Duh. One of the exam officers came up to me and said “We need to talk”. Those words are never great are they? Suddenly, I found myself thinking about all my exams questioning my own truth wondering whether I had actually cheated during the Science exams. She asked to take my English Language exam and ask for it to be remarked. Of course I said yes.
A few weeks or a month later (I don’t care enough to remember), I think I got a letter in the post? Still don’t care about the details. I got a C. I don’t know who marked it again but they might’ve saved me a good few years of hard work. Thanks bro.
I did excel in one subject at school and for the life of me I have no idea why. I was entered to start my Maths GCSE two years early. Year 9. By the end of Year 10 I was finished and with my C I managed to bank a free period during Year 11 with some select others, we made a good crew. Ah, memories.
Anyway, somehow I’ve managed 400 words so far telling my GCSE story, its not even good. If you’ve made it this far down, you get a gold star. Please continue…
Since May I’ve been doing this YouTube thing. I don’t really know what to call it. Girls (Usually on Tinder, cos 2017) ask me what I do with my life and if I just mention my day job I sound incredibly boring, if I mention my YouTube channel, my podcast, my blog (Once this has posted, can I add this to the list? Am I a blogger now?), my radio presenting, event hosting, etc, I sound stuck up and stupid. No one truly gets it apart from the friends I’ve made through it and are doing the same things. I understand it and I suppose you could say that’s all that really matters but when you’re struggling with money 9 months out of 12 it gets hard to justify.
That’s just a point that I pondered on my lazy Sunday so I have no idea what you can do with that… It’s kinda useless.
578 words. Hey, this is going pretty well right? There’s more in my head, don’t worry.
Throughout my teens I was always a big fan of stand up comedy, mainly musical comedy. My first experience, the same as anyone my age, was probably The Midnight Beast’s parody of Tik Tok by Kesha. Their other original songs like Lez Be Friends and Booty Call were major favourites of mine and we’d quote them amongst my friends. I even drew a Ninjas tattoo like Stefan Abingdon had done in the same-titled music video and in lessons we’d rap the song and I’d go, “I’m a ninja, d***face, got a tattoo to prove it” whilst lifting up my shirt to absolutely nobody watching. One time I actually got caught doing the drawing by a teacher…it was an awkward moment for me. I look back on it and I should’ve just laughed but I didn’t.
Next came videos of Fascinating Aida and Victoria Wood. Priceless, very different to the songs of The Midnight Beast but still as funny. I was late to the party on the whole Bo Burnham thing. I only discovered him after his comedy special called, what., was added to Netflix. I loved it. I did what I do with everything I love, I googled him (excuse the millennial term, just embrace it), only to find his roots on YouTube, a few catchy piano tunes directed towards his friends and family that obviously went viral. Personally, Bo is just a genius and he does know it but has forever denied it. I suppose he’s right when he says “no one wants to hear a twenty year old tell them how the world works”. Its true, no one does. Our opinions aren’t valid. The only opinion we get is to vote and, well, 57% of 18-19 year olds voted in the 2017 General Election. 59% of 20-24 year olds voted. Lets just pretend I never brought up political statistics because you don’t care.
My point is, Bo Burnham, possibly my biggest influence right now, is very talented. He makes good music, puts on an outstanding show, and he’s just insanely funny.
A few years ago, I wrote my first comedy song. I have no idea what it was called and I don’t remember what it was about but it was so terrible. Fast forward one night about a year ago, me and my sister were at home alone and we like to wind each other up. One night she actually got in real big trouble and continued to just shout at me all night so I got on my keyboard and starting singing about her, obviously loud so that I knew she would hear. I think the line from the pre-chorus goes, “Rebecca, I’m so mad at you, you really pissed me off and now I’m singing about you”. Over the next few weeks it annoyed her to pieces and every time I sang it she would moan or complain to our mum. After a while, she got over it. It started to backfire a little bit because it was too catchy. My brother would start singing it at the top of his lungs. Quick side note about my brother, he’s a cute kid who only likes really annoying songs such as Gangnam Style by PSY or Sexy And I Know It by LMFAO. I’m not sure if him singing my song was a good sign or not.
My next song has no title because its actually pretty personal and specific to one person. You guessed it, a girl. We had a long distance ‘thing’ on and off for a few years while growing up. This part of our history is probably where it ends for life, I have this song to remember it by. It doesn’t make me sad or anything, its just titled by our couple name. (A couple name is a real-life couple’s names amalgamated into one. For example, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie (now separated, RIP) were called Brangelina). Anyway, it’s actually pretty funny. We used to FaceTime quite a bit and sometimes I would just play the piano whilst talking to her, somehow playing the piano ended up with me writing a full song with her listening to every step of the process through FaceTime. It’s all about how we met on Tinder and the memories we shared together. We joked that I’d play it on our wedding day. Oh and if this person is reading then HI.
Fast forward to my current-self and I’ve been writing A LOT of comedy music. It all started about 2 weeks ago, when I said I wanted to do it. I was on my guitar just over a week ago and I’m in my room learning Believer by Imagine Dragons (a great song that I still cannot play cos comedy) and next thing I know I saw this weird black ball in my bedroom floor. It was only weird because I’d actually cleaned up my room the day before (it never gets done). Anyway, turns out it was a dead spider and I kinda freaked and also couldn’t be bothered to get the vacuum sooooo…I left it. I got bored of Believer and was just playing these four chords over and over and next thing you know I’m singing, “Found a dead spider on my bedroom floor”. I was actually meant to be filming a whole load of YouTube things that day (I had loads planned) but this got in the way. I quickly filmed the short verse and chorus and bridge I’d written and posted it to my instagram. I’d never really sang to people before, only under my breath or alone at home. I think it was received well anywho so I was pretty happy with it.
THE NEXT DAY.
YOU WILL NOT BELIEVE WHAT HAPPENED.
I came home from work and I walked over to open up my curtains (it was 4pm but please don’t judge me, thank you). There, on my bedroom floor, was a dead spider. Another one. It was only about 2 feet away from the other dead spider that was still there because I am lazy. I went straight over to my guitar and continued writing but really quickly and rushed, still with two dead spiders on my floor. I filmed what I had written, I knew it wasn’t up to scratch but I knew I wanted to write more, a full song about two dead fricking spiders. I’m insane. It’s looking pretty good so far though.
Aside from this I’ve written another, and I’ve started writing some lyrics about other things too. I reckon I have about 4 or 5 songs soon ready to go. Will I ever post them on YouTube or something? I’m not sure right now, but I probably will.
This, apparently, is a blog post. I wanted to write something because I haven’t really written anything since I set up this website a month ago. I’ve ended up writing 2,000 words and I have no idea how. If you’ve read this I hope you’ve taken something from it, even if its that you think I’m weird or stupid or something. Whatever happens I’m grateful you read it.
It’s been a pleasure.